Wounded Bird

last night i had a dream that i found a wounded bird. i was holding it and telling it everything would be o.k. i had to leave and i was afraid that by the time i came back the bird would be dead.

i woke up sweating and sobbing, i knew the dream was about her. i know how much she needs me back in her life and i cannot manage to keep the connection going. she was my sister for so many years, she knew me better than anyone ever has, partly cause she has known me since she was born and partly cause she used to read my diary and then confront me about it. i miss her everyday, i worry about her everyday, i wonder if things could be good between us again. i wonder if all the pain we have caused each other can somehow be forgotten. i have almost lost her three times, twice to OD, once when she couldn't take the pain anymore. i feel like a horrible person that she is out there struggling to survive, struggling to stay sober, and i cant pick up the phone and talk to her. i feel so much guilt for where she is now. i know that a persons decisions are their own, but we started down that road of self destruction together, i managed to overcome it, and while i should have made her better too i just enabled. i figured that giving her a safe place and money to get high was better than the alternative. over the summer she told me that she understood why i had to cut her out of my life and that she would have done the same thing, when she made amends with me she asked what she could do to make things right between us, i told her i just wanted us to work on becoming how we used to be. she reached out, i pulled away, she tried to take her life a few months later. i know that me being in her life at that point probably would not have made the biggest difference, but at least she would have had someone. i know i need to pick up the phone and make the effort, i am just so terrified that she will relapse again, that i will lose her.