Wounded Bird

last night i had a dream that i found a wounded bird. i was holding it and telling it everything would be o.k. i had to leave and i was afraid that by the time i came back the bird would be dead.

i woke up sweating and sobbing, i knew the dream was about her. i know how much she needs me back in her life and i cannot manage to keep the connection going. she was my sister for so many years, she knew me better than anyone ever has, partly cause she has known me since she was born and partly cause she used to read my diary and then confront me about it. i miss her everyday, i worry about her everyday, i wonder if things could be good between us again. i wonder if all the pain we have caused each other can somehow be forgotten. i have almost lost her three times, twice to OD, once when she couldn't take the pain anymore. i feel like a horrible person that she is out there struggling to survive, struggling to stay sober, and i cant pick up the phone and talk to her. i feel so much guilt for where she is now. i know that a persons decisions are their own, but we started down that road of self destruction together, i managed to overcome it, and while i should have made her better too i just enabled. i figured that giving her a safe place and money to get high was better than the alternative. over the summer she told me that she understood why i had to cut her out of my life and that she would have done the same thing, when she made amends with me she asked what she could do to make things right between us, i told her i just wanted us to work on becoming how we used to be. she reached out, i pulled away, she tried to take her life a few months later. i know that me being in her life at that point probably would not have made the biggest difference, but at least she would have had someone. i know i need to pick up the phone and make the effort, i am just so terrified that she will relapse again, that i will lose her.

Thank goodness for Gmail chat

i have updated in a few months and perhaps later this week i will post a real post. d and i have been chatting on gmail here is the amazing conversation:

me: dont be jealous i got a popcorn tin today Denise: omg OMG i was totally thinking about you and popcorn tins yesterday! me: hahaha Denise: i was like, i have to comment on stefanie's facebook about how exciting it was that it's almost popcorn tin season! Sent at 7:13 PM on Monday me: it is a very exciting time of year for me Sent at 7:14 PM on Monday Denise: me too but i'm disappointed because now you don't live with me and audrey won't send popcorn tins to my address me: yeah i am a roommate in high demand since my step mom sends the greatest gifts Denise: seriously...my parents never send a thing me: you need better parents Sent at 7:18 PM on Monday Denise: seriously...all i want in life is a freaking popcorn tin Sent at 7:20 PM on Monday

Denise is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Denise comes online.

Road Trip: Day 7

wow i cannot believe we have already been on the road for 7 days! it does not feel that long! Roomie, my skin is awful i need you to nurse me back to health i look like i am a 16 year old boy. This morning we left St. Louis, our plan had been to make a stop in the late afternoon at the Indianapolis Museum of Art and then continue on to Columbus,OH for the night. We took off, made some great time, had a stop at White Castle (perhaps why my skin is breaking out), reached Indianapolis and realized that we were now in the Eastern Standard time and that the Museum was closing in a half hour :( so we ended up driving by the museum and continuing on to Ohio, we are in Ohio now and have been hanging out in the hotel, we are not really in Columbus, but on the outskirts, neither of us really feel like getting in a car to go somewhere
pics from today:

from the road

Indianapolis

Indianapolis Museum of Art

sup Ohio?

Columbus

Road Trip: Day 6

We finally had a full day to kick back, relax and not have to get in the van! We had a lot of fun discovering St. Louis. First N had to get a hat because he left all of his at home so we stopped in on the 800000 Cardinal fan stores and got N a wonderful Cardinal hat. We took the Metrolink down near the water and the Arch. First of all i do not understand how St. Louis gets people to pay for the train. We paid our money and had our tickets, we walked down the stair case, no place to swip the ticket. Got on the train, still no one had checked our ticket, we didn't have to swipe it anywhere, the only thing we could find were signs that said "you must have a valid ticket on you at all times." no one ever asked, pretty crazy. We found a little bar to eat lunch at. I did not realize that Missouri was still a smoke indoor state, it smelt really bad in the bar. After lunch we went and saw the Arch, it is really really really large, and amazingly gorgeous, one of my architect boyfriends, Eero Saarinen, designed it. I did not realize this and was really excited by this! Under the arch they have this area with a Westward Expansion Museum and some movies and a tram to the top of the arch. We watched a movie on the building of the Arch, pretty crazy! We went into the Museum and that is an hour and a half of our life we will never get back. Although we did learn quite a bit about Lewis and Clark. The biggest thing we discovered was that Clark was a horrible speller, and Lewis was extremely articulate and a much better speller. We were going to go the top of the Arch but they wanted me to sit in a tram the size of a fist for four minutes and with my claustrophobia i could not manage, so we decided not to. We walked around the water for awhile and then headed over to "The Loop." I guess this was supposed to be a really "cool" part of St. Louis with lots of shops, restaurants and people walking, but we got off the metrolink and were not impressed. We walked around for a little while and headed back towards our hotel. We stopped at a wonderful restaurant for dinner and shared an order of toasted Ravioli (apparently a Missouri specialty) and a full rack of ribs! OMG BEST RIBS EVER (besides yours Pops!) After dinner and few beers (Sam Adams Summer Ale on tap WOO HOO!!![ed. note: and Fat Tire YAY!]) we went back to the hotel, because Big Love was on, and c'mon ROMAN GRANT WAS SHOT!!! how can you not watch that!?!?!? :)
pics from the day:

me under the arch

n with the arch



more of the arch


inside the museum

near the arch

the old capital building

yummy ribs!

Road Trip: Day 5

We woke up in Kansas this morning ready to get the heck out of Kansas and into St. Louis. We drove for quite some time before we stopped for breakfast at Waffle House (a first for both of us.) The people in Waffle House freaked me out so badly, they were like zombies. I was getting ready to have to bash brains in by the time we were done and back in the car. I had to put on a disguise so i could hide from the zombies (this consisted of a hood and sunglasses). Turns out Missouri is not much different from Kansas and Nebraska; I saw more anti-abortion billboards, and more pro-Bush bumper stickers. I saw this gem: "Jesus Saves and Forgives, Pornography Enslaves and Destroys." I had to text that beauty to Roomie right away, to which she replied "what about my stash of Jesus porn?" Answer that billboard, answer that. Another thing Missouri, maybe y'all wouldn't be so fat if you didn't have so many buffets, every other building was a freaking buffet style restaurant. Unnecessary. We finally got to St. Louis and took a long nap. We ate dinner at a restaurant near our hotel and went to bed early.
a couple pictures:

leave me alone Waffle House zombies!

nate driving

Kansas City

Road Trip: Day 4

We woke up this morning and did a little exploring in Downtown Denver, it is a pretty cute town/city. I was surprised by the amount of homeless wandering around, i was especially surprised by how young they were, it reminded me of Santa Barbara. It was a Saturday morning so downtown was pretty dead. We walked into a few shops, tried on some silly hats, then decided to have breakfast. The thing that shocked me most about Denver was the lack of places to eat! There was literally nothing, we finally found a place called the Delectable Egg, it was not so delectable. We finally set off to cross some states off our lists. Boy oh boy! Now i know why it is called the Bible Belt. I don't think i have ever felt so uncomfortable as i did in Nebraska and Kansas. First of all there were all the billboards. Most of these were expressing their pro life choices: "It's a child not a choice" with a picture of a fetus on every other billboard. I was really impressed that G-d was able to take time out of his busy schedule to make more anti-abortion billboards. I wish i had a picture of it cause i forget what it said but it was signed "GOD." The best though was not a billboard but a farmers land. He had a huge black tire on the fence of his farm that said "Make Sodomy Illegal" (there goes my saturday night!) after that there were probably about 30 smaller tires that had things written like "I'm a sinner" "Christ Saves" "Find the Light" "Repent your sins" etc etc... if i saw someone getting lynched i would not have been surprised. Other reasons i hate Nebraska is because of a sign i saw in front of an apartment building "Two bedrooms starting at $599" WTF!!!! i realize it is Nebraska and the cost of living is not as high as it is in the city, but holy cow! That is crazy! Nebraska is officially on my shit list. We finally got out of Nebraska and into Kansas. There were not as many crazy billboards or larger than churches, we had planned on staying in Topeka for the night, but it was raining so hard and wasn't supposed to let up by the morning so we figured to keep going since we wouldn't be able to explore in the rain the next day. We did drive through Topeka though and it was pretty freaking beautiful. We ended up staying the night in Lawrence, Kansas. I have never heard of it, i guess it is 3 miles away from the University of Kansas. It was a long day of driving and I was really happy to sleep.
Picture time:

Buildings in Downtown Denver


another building

a beautiful church

me and my sexy cowboy

hat time!


pics from the car


driving through a really bad storm

bible camp anyone?

Road Trip Day 3

this morning we woke up pretty early and broke down camp. after we had put most of the stuff away i went for a walk around the campground, i saw a male deer that had just gotten his antlers, they were all velvety and amazing to look at. A few minutes later a saw a momma deer with her two babies AND ONE OF THEM WAS A SPOTTED FAWN!!!!! i have never seen a spotted fawn and nearly pissed all over myself with excitement, the momma saw me and made her babies run away :( we headed out towards Denver Colorado, i drove the whole way and N took some naps. It was another beautiful drive. We got caught in a really bad storm and i kept hydroplaning, not fun in a Penske. After the rain calmed down a bit i got pretty manic and decided that N needed a concert so i sang to him while we drove, at some point during my feminist version of "Girls just Wanna have Fun," he turned to me and said "what the hell is wrong with you?" ahhhh love :) we finally got to Denver and got lost, this was scary because there were flash flood warnings and in a few spots we practically had to paddle our truck through street lakes. We made it to the hotel and checked in. We were staying right in downtown Denver on the corner of the 16th? st Mall, it is basically like the Santa Monica Promenade, it is closed off to traffic and there are a lot of bars, restaurants, stores, etc. We had dinner at the Rock Bottom Brewery and had some amazing beers and some decent food. It was still pouring after dinner so we went back up to the hotel and hung out until bed.
Not that many pictures from today:

view from the campsite

a couple of shots of the colorado river